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Please Kindly Leave My Brain"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
That's what I want to say.
I don't mean it.
I need you.
That's what I say.
I don't mean it.
I'm dying from the inside out.
Feel like shit... again...
"I'm just not hungry,"
Which is true. But with a deeper meaning...
I'll starve my body into death.
"I'm sure I'll live,"
Please don't say that.
What if your not sure?
You die. I die.
That's the situation.
How can I be happy, If I know you're not?
I need you're hugs too much...
Hell Doesn't Even KnowI want to cry so much...
Maybe I'm happy,
Maybe I'm sad.
I feel so alone,
Yet I've been with people all day.
I feel so unloved,
Yet I know I have people who love me.
I can't talk about these feelings.
I can't open up when the door is locked.
And the key is lost.
I want to inspire,
But I just recieve empathy.
I want to die,
But I keep on breathing.
I feel so confused, lost and all alone.
The feelings inside me are too strong for my body.
I don't want someone to understand.
I want someone to give me the answers to why I am like this.
And a solution to fix the massacre inside me...
Awesome HugToday I needed a hug.
But had no one there.
I needed a hug so much,
There wouldn't have been a hug spare.
I'll still need a hug.
Because I've told you all that's caused me pain.
An hour long hug.
Because I need to store it in my memory, incase I need a hug again.
Even though you haven't replied.
Normally I'd wonder.
But I don't mind tonight.
As I was about to lie.
But you caught me before I could.
How could I lie to you?
I knew you'd make this harder than it should.
I have no words to say.
I haven't got the will to.
I haven't got the will to say the words.
I haven't got a clue what to do........
Starving myself to death is a long way...
But thoughts of death run down the drain with the blood from my cuts.
The pain has washed over my days for weeks. Months. Years.
It never goes.
I have no way to help myself.
Nor can I save those around me.
As I try to stop someone from touching the flame. I burn myself.
We both burn ourselves.
Should we just estinguish life?
Is that what we should be doing?
I don't understand as messed up as they are how can they not want me to to be so like this?
If they are saying and agreeing it how can they babble positive vile?
How can they tell me I’m going to be okay when they don’t want to be okay themselves?
I can’t do it.
I am in the same position as those around me. I reflect and worry what they are feeling.
I can’t tell them things will be b
I don't know where to start.
I've been feeling very alone.
I've been feeling physically ill.
Head rushes, stomach aches, headaches...
Maybe my body is finally giving up.
I've had such bad urges and wants to self harm.
And that constant feeling of wanting to die,
It never goes away.
I just get distracted...
I've been paranoid and anxious,
after being in the house for two days.
Scrubbing my hands and freaking out about complete strangers.
I haven't been sickened by my day or feelings.
I've been cold and in need of energy.
Food has comforted me in the final days of the week.
I haven't seen a single friend.
Nor had a good conversation.
The whole week has been a weird concoction of a black goo,
With flecks of fake 'old times' and sugar sponcered mania.
I've been trapped and drained.
I can't relax.
My wrists are chained with self control.
Only a lip and a scab to pick at.
I have no energy to pull away from these chains either.
Well, not eno
I don't know who I am anymore.I don't know who I am anymore.
A person who wants to kill herself.
But wants to cry and then wants to laugh.
Who makes a joke about cutting.
But then gets triggered by the word cut.
Who over analysises ever thing.
Who dreams pathetic dreams.
Who hasn't got the courage to do anything.
Who disobeys her plan not to talk about her feelings.
Who gets so jealous if others have it worse off.
That's why she complains.
But she shouldn't. Complaining stops her being the worst off.
She planned to give up on love.
But couldn't even do that.
Who can control her anger.
But doesn't want to because it pains her soul.
She planned to commit suicide.
But she probably won't have the guts.
Who freaks out, reseaching about bipolar.
Who doesn't care about anyone.
And if she does she's helpless and worried and scared.
Who wished to be reckless and stupid in ways to get way.
But everything she does just makes it harder eacher day.
The Layers of SkinShe laughs out loud.
Talking to herself.
She doesn't care though.
This girl is surrounded with her friends.
Happy with her life.
She can't cope with the stress.
Stress of work.
Stress of life.
Then the feeling that all of these other feelings simmer to eventually.
She wants to scream.
She wants to shout.
She wants to let it all out.
But her anger she must bury.
Otherwise a rampage of spilling out swear words and other vile.
Out of control, reckless and stupid.
Not thinking of consequences.
So look emotionless.
Or 'in a mood' as they call it.
She hates her anger.
She hates her thoughts and feelings.
She hates her looks.
She hates herself.
That's what guilt whispers in her ears.
She tries not to infront of people.
She sobs herself to sleep.
She can't help.
She has no hope.
Confusion eats away at her brain.
Do you ever feel like...Do you ever feel like...
You have no energy to get up and walk to the other side of your room.
You wake up in the morning and would beg to go back to sleep.
You would storm out of a classroom screaming, crying and swearing- if stupid questions like "what's wrong? What happened?" (or being screamed at) weren't asked after.
You cry. You cry. And You cry.
People don't like me - That's what you think.
People don't care. Don't love. Don't want.
The second you find a problem you can't fix or control yourself.
Bitch. You are a bitch. Ugly bitch. Fat. Stupid. Mean. Heartless. Selfish.
SHUT UP! FUCK THE HELL OFF! - you can't control your thoughts.
The second you get annoyed at someone. "I HATE YOU!" But you don't.
You hate yourself.
You think about where you could be, would be, wouldn't be.
You think about death and wonder about death.
You think about cancer and all those illnesses out there.
You store everything about death- suicide- in your head like a cabinet file.
You can stare off into the
I Don't KnowI don't know what to do.
I don't how I feel.
My moods change so much- I can't describe it.
I can't explain anything.
I can't see a logical reason.
I can't keep trying to figure it out.
It's not bipolar.
It's not depression. Not all the time.
I have anger.
I have anxity.
I have self hate.
I have stress.
I have happiness.
I have hyperness.
I have depression.
I have suicidal thoughts.
I have hurt myself.
I can't explain it.
There are time when I think. Oh My God. I'm so depressed. I wanted was thinking of suicide. I was walking home so depressed. I sobbed my eyes out. Then was... Okay.
And then there are times when I think. How could I have thought like that? How could I want to die?
And then other times when I just think of death. Of depression, of every mental illness and try figure out.
Other times I think. Killing myself. Please. I give up. I can't even do that. I can't even starve myself. I can't even...I can't even... that's what is for everything.
Then other days I think. Bitch. Fu
Sadly AloneLoneliness and sorrow were sitting at the park
When sorrow noticed it started getting dark
So he leaned down to lonileness and he said
"I'm going to go home, and cry in my bed"
Loneliness shook her head, and whispered a plea
"Just a little longer, would you stay here with me?"
With that said, sorrow wouldn't leave just yet
They both sat and watched as the sun began to set
Then loneliness said, in a cheerful tone
"when you are with me I'm not so alone"
Sorrow laughed gently and said with pure glee
"when we are together you make me happy"
So happiness and friendship sat at the park
After the night became very dark
They spoke with each other up until dawn
And now loneliness and sorrow are forever gone
Words HurtWords Hurt
Hit me one more time
Hit me again
Push me around
On the floor
Down the stairs
It hurts less than your words
So kick me
Bruise my skin
But don’t call me names
It causes too much pain
I love you I really do
I’ll take the abuse
And be your punch bag
But please keep your words
My head can’t take it
My mind won’t survive
It destroys me.
Why Do You Do This?Why do you do all of this
You stain your wrists
You cry all the damn time
You slip when you try to climb
You're in all this pain
Putting that blade to a vein
You dig it in, but not too deep
For now, that price is too steep
But will the day eventually come
A day when you are so very numb
That the price isn't too high
And you give up the will to try
God forbid that day should arrive
I want you to be happy and alive
Yet I freak out when you aren't there
Don't make me feel loss and despair
MessEverywhere I go
Every single place
The troubles seem to grow
Every smiling face
Eventually frowns with woe
Why can't I do
I just screw
Up everything despite
The happiness I try to spew
Is it me
Am I the source of this ache
Does the pain flow free
Is this what I make
Should I go away and hide
Never to see others
Or the outside
But would I stop another's
Pain and be the only one that ever cried
What is a life with no grey
When everyone is sad
I'd give it all away
It wouldn't be that bad
I would finally be able to say
I saved a life
Change Begins TodayLittle girl in her room,
Bunched in her blankets,
Crying as her parents act so cruel,
'How long is she going to take it?'
Little boy on the stairway,
Watches his dad take another swig
Of the poison he knew would separate them
'Is this how I'll be when I get big?'
He stares at himself in the mirror,
Wishing the image was clearer.
Pops another pill,
As in walks his little girl,
'I hope she'll be different.'
She uses make-up for a reason,
To cover up the pain she's feeling,
The black and blue he leaves behind.
'Maybe I'm just not a good wife.'
We all suffer pain,
We all feel hate,
But no matter what we face,
Change begins today.
Are you blind?Are you blind to my misery,
Or do you choose not to look?
I want to share my story,
But you close me like a book.
I'm screaming as I cry,
But you refuse to hear.
Look away as I die,
Ignore each little tear.
Am I not loud enough?
Is that why you ignore my scream?
My life is tough,
Help me escape this bad dream.
I scream a bit higher.
Please, I need your help!
My circumstances are dire.
I'm losing myself.
But you do not help me,
And I've decided to give up.
Maybe then you'll see.
Ha! That's just my luck.
Dear dad I love you.
Dear dad you were my world, but that world began to change.
Dear dad; why did you hit mom and make me watch?
Dear dad; why did you beat my brother?
Dear dad I will do anything you ask, just show me you can change for the better.
Dear dad; why did you corner me?
Dear dad; why can’t I stop shaking and crying?
Dear dad; why did I believe you could change?
Please someone help me!
My MonstersI can't breathe.
It's too tight.
I hear so many things,
can't trust my sight.
The monsters surround.
No, they're not really here.
They reach out to grab me.
They smell my fear.
Have I finally lost my mind?
Am I totally insane?
Is this all in my head?
Is it just a sick game?
Or are they really there?
Do they smile as I scream?
Do they laugh at my tears?
Please, let this be a dream.
But it's not a dream.
I can't get out.
A hand surrounds my neck,
no air to shout.
Tears stream freely.
They start to close in.
I pray to god to help me,
to forgive all my sin.
The world starts to fade.
I can no longer see.
I smile in bliss.
I'm finally free.
Doubt I'll see thirty
Hopefully my blade'll be dirty
And I'll die.
I don't want to die;
Just want it to stop,
Everything in my head
Telling me I'm better off dead.
I cut myself,
I said it.
Just read it.
I'm just some kid
Behind a screen,
So why should you care?
I'm not just 'some kid';
I'm the ones people laugh at,
I'm not a minority;
I'm a majority.
All those kids alone,
That death will come.
We're not hopeless.
We hope for
I'm Still LaughingIt really is quite funny.
How one second I'm in tears,
over how I don't know whether to live or die.
Then I'm making cruel cruel jokes about when I'm going to commit suicide.
I am true bitch.
An total shit.
I had a nap.
And woke up in the shittest mood.
Made me spill shit.
Then depressed and angry and pissed at myself.
Then fucking alone. Because I depend on my friends and have to talk 24/7 with them.
I have wanted to die for the past, what 4 months.
Full on poof, ding, pop, boom, gone.
But it's only resently I reaslised I'm too much of a parnoid piece of crap to kill myself.
No I'd have to go out and do everything under the sun and cross my fingers and hope to die.
That reminds me of my lastest joke-
"How are you?"
"Yes, cross my fingers and hope to die."
Its funny isn't it?
The world is funny, my laugh is funny.
Haters are fucking hilarious.
Please! Stop my sides are spilting.
As for you sunshine, thank you for confusi
The Parlour IncidentOne day in July, I believe it was, I found myself sitting with several acquaintances in Christopher's parlour. It was one of those deliciously lazy afternoons which only the summer in her full glory can bring. The room had a wan, listless light to it, relaxing the other guests and myself as we languidly chatted over tea and crumpets. The air was also sluggishly heavy, dulling the senses to a slowly-blended calm engendered by the heat of St. Othniel's southerly climate.
At length, after much stimulating conversation, Christopher stood, producing a book of sheet music.
"What do you all say to a bit of music?" he asked.
"Certainly," I answered.
"Oh yes, please do darling!" Tabitha exclaimed, "he's quite the maestro."
Christopher laughed, shaking his head.
"Now, now love, I'd not go that far."
He strode over to the piano as the other guests urged him on. Ida entered the room bearing a merrily steaming teapot and more crumpets.
"More tea sirs?" she inquired, shooting sideways glances at her
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More