[x]

Awesome HugToday I needed a hug.
But had no one there.

I needed a hug so much,
There wouldn't have been a hug spare.

I'll still need a hug.
Because I've told you all that's caused me pain.

An hour long hug.
Because I need to store it in my memory, incase I need a hug again.

Even though you haven't replied.
Normally I'd wonder.

But I don't mind tonight.
As I was about to lie.
But you caught me before I could.

How could I lie to you?
I knew you'd make this harder than it should.

Day 107School stress is not a good mixture with suicidal thoughts.

Today has be amazing but I've now in a load of shit.
I got a C. And a B. and I can't help but feel shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.

Two people asked about my bruise on my leg.
So two lies I've said.

Maybe I should just give up?

I helped a friend today because she was stressed, and worried.
Locked herself in the toilets.
I had to help.
I couldn't not help.
Because the way I am and how unstable my shit is.
I could very well be in that locked toilet.
Could be tomorrow?Could be a month?

Only I'd either be there with a badge or a blade.
Or my fist or nail.
Or a plastic bag. And hoodie chord

Insane LoveDon't.
Hold my hand.

Don't.
Let me cry in your arms.

Don't.
Love me.

Don't.
Talk about love and the future.

Don't.
Tease me to cheer me up.

Don't.
Read over my shoulder the poem I'm writing.

Don't.
Speak to me.

You'll learn to hate me...
You'll learn to ignore me...

Don't.

I lied...

Do.

All of those things.
And Run.

Save me from myself.

I'd ask you to do it.
But.

You're not real. You're caught in my mind.
A character. A fake identity of a person I want to want me.

Thats why don't.

Because reality breaks me when you leave.

My Week...I...
I don't know where to start.
I've been feeling very alone.
I've been feeling physically ill.
Head rushes, stomach aches, headaches...
Maybe my body is finally giving up.

I've had such bad urges and wants to self harm.
And that constant feeling of wanting to die,
It never goes away.
I just get distracted...

I've been paranoid and anxious,
after being in the house for two days.
Scrubbing my hands and freaking out about complete strangers.

I haven't been sickened by my day or feelings.
I've been cold and in need of energy.
Food has comforted me in the final days of the week.

I haven't seen a single friend.
Nor had a good conversat

Words.../////////////Warning/////////// Triggers

I have no words to say.

I haven't got the will to.

I haven't got the will to say the words.

Calories.
Cut.
I haven't got a clue what to do........
Starving myself to death is a long way...
But thoughts of death run down the drain with the blood from my cuts.
The pain has washed over my days for weeks. Months. Years.
It never goes.

I have no way to help myself.
Nor can I save those around me.
As I try to stop someone from touching the flame. I burn myself.
We both burn ourselves.
Should we just estinguish life?
Is that what we should be doing?

I don't understand as messed up as they are how can

The Layers of SkinShe laughs out loud.
Talking to herself.
She's crazy.
She doesn't care though.
She's happy.

She laughs.
She smiles.
This girl is surrounded with her friends.
Happy with her life.

She sighes.
She cries.
She can't cope with the stress.
Stress of work.
Stress of life.

Then the feeling that all of these other feelings simmer to eventually.
Depressed.
Dead.
Down.
Drained.

She wants to scream.
She wants to shout.

She wants to let it all out.
But her anger she must bury.
Otherwise a rampage of spilling out swear words and other vile.
Out of control, reckless and stupid.
Not thinking of consequences.
So look emotionles

Destroy MeHe was beautiful.
Scars and all.

She was beautiful.
Scars and all.

Their love was undefiable.
There was no way to explain it.

They held hands as they walked,
Arm to arm,
Relfecting scars.

Neither tried to stop nor help the other.
How could they?
Hypocrite wouldn't be the word.
But they comforted each other and did what ever the other asked them to do.

If she was upset and ready to relapse.
He hand her a red pen and kiss her on her forehead.

If he was close to punching himself.
She'd kiss his hand and hand him a stress ball.

They both listened as they spilled there feelings.
As they sobbed.
They shared sleepless nights lying together.

I'm Still LaughingIt really is quite funny.

How one second I'm in tears,
over how I don't know whether to live or die.
Then I'm making cruel cruel jokes about when I'm going to commit suicide.

I am true bitch.
An total shit.

I had a nap.
And woke up in the shittest mood.

Stressed out.
Made me spill shit.
Then depressed and angry and pissed at myself.
Then fucking alone. Because I depend on my friends and have to talk 24/7 with them.

I have wanted to die for the past, what 4 months.
Full on poof, ding, pop, boom, gone.

But it's only resently I reaslised I'm too much of a parnoid piece of crap to kill myself.
No I'd have to go out and do everything under

Finding the Beauty in SuicideI leaned in and whispered into the oceans ear

Quickly losing myself within

I inhale the bitter taste

My lungs burned raw

The waves were fierce

My figure synchronizing with them

It wraps its arms around me

Pulling me into a strong kiss

The final touch upon my lips

Delivered by Death herself

Soon I sink to the bottom

Lost with the sound of the thrashing sea

I am free, I am gone.

Hell Doesn't Even KnowI want to cry so much...
Why?

Maybe I'm happy,
Maybe I'm sad.

I feel so alone,
Yet I've been with people all day.
I feel so unloved,
Yet I know I have people who love me.

I can't talk about these feelings.
I can't open up when the door is locked.
And the key is lost.

I want to inspire,
But I just recieve empathy.
I want to die,
But I keep on breathing.

I feel so confused, lost and all alone.
The feelings inside me are too strong for my body.

I don't want someone to understand.
I want someone to give me the answers to why I am like this.
And a solution to fix the massacre inside me...

Spilling the WordsI found my guardian angel.
I guess I should be happy.
But somethings up with my mind...
They always pop up when I'm down.
And know how to cheer me up.
Which is good?

But with my guardian angel comes a glitch.
Because on their scarred back there wings are ripped.
But I never see this side of them.
I hope I help...

And then there's this policy that means we can't 'be a couple'.
Even though we wouldn't.
But it's obvious we could, if the situation was different...
I guess, we just understand each other so well.

Plus he's like family.

I don't know why this is on my mind.
Or why the hell I'm worrying...

I guess...
It's just because...
I'm no

1Go on,
Go.
I won't be your freak show.
It's not "funny,"
It's not "cool."
I'm just a girl,
Who didn't know you were so cruel.
I made a mistake,
I'm sorry to say.
I paid for my mistake,
Very dearly today.
You took who I was,
And you tore up my heart.
I'm broken and bent,
I'm falling apart.
The roof of my home,
Has just caved in.
It looks like you did it.
I guess you win

The Prophets of Impending DoomI'm fighting and hitting,
Something that isn't there.

It has to be!
It's pulling my hair!

Oh wait,
That's me.

Oh no!
Is it true?
How could this be?

I talk to my reflection,
Because my reflection talks back.

My reflection is mean,
It says I'm ugly and fat.

I talk to my reflection,
And I'm never again the same.

Oh no!
Is it true?
Does this mean I'm insane?

People say they hate me,
They wish I was dead.

Everywhere I go,
It's "off with her head!!"

They locked me in this place,
This terrible hellhole of mine.

What they said came true,
I really lost my mind.

You Saved MeAnother step closer,
A toe off of the edge.
I think of stepping over,
Falling to my death.
I know it's not right,
But it's what I feel.
I just can't help it,
Only it's real.
What do you do when you've lost everything?
Find solisce in drugs?
A release for the pain?
A burning ache,
A foreign fever.
A cataclysm of hate,
That tips the meter.
But I step back,
Admire the view,
Pull myself together,
Then think of you.

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Please Kindly Leave My Brain

by ~YellowTori, Feb 5, 2013, 12:07:21 PM
Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
That's what I want to say.
I don't mean it.
I need you.

"I'm Fine,"
That's what I say.
I don't mean it.
I'm dying from the inside out.
Tired.
Nervous.
Scared.
Jealous.
Angry.
Mad.
Insane.
Feel like shit... again...

"I'm just not hungry,"
I say.
Which is true. But with a deeper meaning...
No Food.
I'll starve my body into death.

"I'm sure I'll live,"
Please.
Please don't say that.
What if your not sure?
You die. I die.
That's the situation.

How can I be happy, If I know you're not?

It's immpossible.

I need you're hugs too much...

Please Kindly Leave My Brainby ~YellowTori

Literature / Poetry / Emotional / Free Verse

where did the happiness go? I always feel like I'm back at square one. I can never feel any different. Its neverending. And Painful and hurtful. Feelings get hurt and I get confused. My feelings are upright and clear. There murky and unidenitfiable and break out in random fits and bursts.
But they still don't brake that stupid thing called a concience. I wish I could relaease my feels the second I feel them. But I'm niaeve and don't know how...